May 25, 2020

Well, it’s a new day. I am worse right now. The difference in my condition day-to-day was not as noticeable to me before my diagnosis. So either the cancer is moving aggressively or I am simply more conscious of it now that I know what is happening. Either way, it’s frightening.

My MRI and CT scan (chest) are scheduled for the end of the week. I’ll take blood tests for cancer markers at the same time. Tomorrow, I have to schedule an appointment with an oncologist and schedule a sigmoidoscopy. Hopefully, I’ll get some answers next week.

My mother and I went through all the doctor profiles yesterday. We independently agreed on our first choice. I will try to get in to see him.

Today is Memorial Day so I can’t move any of this forward. Frustrating.

I have to tell you – it just doesn’t seem like any of this is happening to me. It doesn’t seem like I’m the person who has cancer that has spread to distant lymph nodes. It’s not me. This can’t be happening to me.

I want to know when it started. How long have I had this tumor? How aggressive is it? I hope it’s old, old, old which would mean it is slow growing but I know it has gotten bigger since February because I can feel the change in size. So, it may be very, very aggressive.

I have so much to do. You might think – what in the world do you have to do? I have a To Do list that you wouldn’t believe just to be prepared for the worst. I have to start it but here I am writing to you because it makes me feel good, relaxed.

I stepped on the scale this morning. I am 5’6 1/2″ and now 108 lbs. Terrifying. I have to gain weight before I start treatment assuming there is treatment for me. My mother and I went through all the fattening foods that I can tolerate. I am going to start eating walnuts – ground up and sprinkled on my milkshakes, rich butter cookies, peanut butter, Ensure (I started drinking Ensure like an old lady a few weeks ago – it’s delicious by the way but very expensive), and Muesli from Bob’s Red Mill (DELICIOUS! and loaded with good stuff). I’m counting calories to make sure I get enough. Cross your fingers that I can put on at least two pounds before they do anything to me. I’d put on twenty if I could.

This is like going on Survivor after having dieted.

My poor cat. This shouldn’t be happening to her. I can’t stand it.

Going to take a break now …

Back again! Have to tell you, I’m feeling better this afternoon. I have eaten well all day and my breathing is much better. I feel like ME!

Relaxing now in the afternoon sun … very nice …

Love, Molly2923

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