May 27, 2020

I’m afraid. It’s 4:15 a.m. and I’m up for good. I haven’t really been afraid since I found out about all this on May 21st, but for some reason, I woke up this morning and all I felt was fear.

I have all my remaining scans scheduled for tomorrow. (They changed my schedule). What if they show the cancer is in my organs and the only interpretation/analysis I’m afforded is that of my primary care physician who can tell me what he sees but not much about what it means in terms of treatment and prognosis? I don’t even want to talk to him. Fear.

Yesterday my mother was talking about how we are going to fight this and about my life post-cancer. She projected way ahead. This is all so sad.

I am the type of person who needs facts and information. I’m just in limbo. Can’t get in to see the doctor for a sigmoidoscopy because she’s booked for the next two weeks. I thought no one was seeing doctors due to COVID. Can’t move forward until it’s done according to the cancer center.

I think the waiting is the worst. Is the cancer spreading while I’m waiting for the wheels to turn? Is it killing me now, at this very moment? I suppose it is. That’s its job.

Fear.

And, of course, the financial fallout from all of this. Fear.

Signing off for now.

Nope, I’m back. I just cleaned my cat’s litter and I had a thought. I think I need to change my attitude because this attitude isn’t getting me anywhere. I need to just live my life.

I think one of the hardest things – if not the hardest thing – is the possibility of leaving my mother behind and, of course, my sweet little cat. But I can’t control those outcomes. I can’t even schedule an appointment with an oncologist yet (see my post from yesterday). All I can do is be present and live.

I have thought to myself that some people die suddenly in a car accident or they are murdered or they have a stroke and are consigned to a living death – hell really. My situation is different because you can see it coming – or you don’t know what’s coming but there is a significant potential that it will be bad.

But what if it’s good? What if I’m part of the 10% survival rate at 5 years? What if I move forward? What if I live another 5 years or 10? What can I do in that time? How many golden days can I enjoy?

When I was in my 20’s, I had a frenemy who took me to a fortune teller on my birthday. I have never told anyone this because it really shook me up – it was horrible for me – and it colored my life. The fortune teller told me that I would lose the use of my legs in the future. If you had asked me “Do you believe in fortune tellers?”, I would have laughed and said “No.” But I guess I sort of did because since that time I have always been conscious of using my legs as much as I could – hiking in the mountains, taking walks. Since that time, I have thought to myself – use them while you can. They are a gift.

And so with this. Live. Keep living. Don’t worry about the rest as long as you’re taking care of yourself and others as best you can. Just live.

OK. Now I’m signing off.

Wait – I forgot – I have some good things to report. I gained a 1/2 pound today!!! I force fed myself yesterday – not fun – and this morning got the results. I am thrilled. Maybe I can gain another 1/2 pound tomorrow. I’m eating a lot of ice cream to try to gain weight and have found it incredibly difficult to scoop with a regular, big spoon. So I bought an ice cream scooper with a hot pink handle. I love it! Hot pink is my color and it scoops like a breeze. And I am so lucky to have my mother with me. I could not do any of this without her. She bought me an assortment of butter cookies and now she’s getting me bagels so I can fatten up. We’re going to get through this.

OK, now I’m really signing off. I’ll be back this afternoon. …

It’s now afternoon. I can’t eat. I’m pushing myself. I have to try harder.

I’m working on a work project right now. Have to keep working …

Very tired. Going to close my eyes …

Love, Molly2923

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