May 31, 2020

Good morning.

I slept well last night and have been doing well this morning.

My mother and I just had a long conversation. I need a new primary care doctor. I may be at a world-renowned hospital but, with this guy, I am just a number. Maybe I won’t survive but I’d like my care team to be invested in my survival. My condition has seriously deteriorated over the past two weeks (very frightening) and no one is asking me about it let alone doing anything about it. I can’t get over the fact that he never told me he had written me a prescription so I’ve been without the medication I need for my red blood cells for the past 10 days (just one of my many issues with him – but a very bad one). I need a real doctor who is present and concerned.

I started to clean out my closet this morning in anticipation of the move – I really have been lugging an awful lot of stuff around (some things 15 years) for no reason. “Maybe I’ll use it one day” or “Maybe I’ll wear it again” has been the thinking. Goodwill is going to get quite a haul. You’d never know it looking at my place – I don’t like clutter – but apparently I have quite a lot of it hidden away.

I look at all this stuff and ask “why”? Why did I spend money on THAT? I suppose I was raised in a consumer oriented society with the belief that tomorrow would always bring a better, brighter day. So buy now. That’s a false narrative. But it works quite nicely for those selling the stuff.

I have to start working on work now while my energy is up so I’ll sign off for now …

Back again. Tired now. Yuck. Only a few short hours to be me again. I’m lucky I got them but I miss me. I had so much energy. It’s like I’m watching myself slowly die. Well, that’s exactly what I’m doing. Sorry to be depressing …

I started watching Breaking Bad again last night. I’ve already watched it (all seasons) multiple times but I wanted to watch it again with a focus on Walt and his cancer treatment. It’s the most information I’m getting about all this from any source other than my internet searches. It’s calming to watch him react to the news, see how his family handled it. I didn’t know it at the time I first watched the show but it’s pretty much dead-on.

It’s the first show I’ve watched since I was diagnosed 10 days ago. I haven’t read the paper, watched Netflix – nothing – until last night. Some shows/movies really help people.

OK, well, I’m going to sign off. It’s been a long day and I’m feeling a little blue. Tomorrow, we are going to see an apartment. I’m going to go talk to my mom and then watch more Breaking Bad or maybe just close my eyes.

I finished my work project so that’s good – that’s done.

Anyway, time to go. Talk to you tomorrow.

Love, Molly2923

2 thoughts on “May 31, 2020

  1. Yes! Find good doctors. I will say though, that while you’re in treatment, your medical oncologist will become much like your primary care doctor. They’ll want to know about every sneeze and sniffle because it can impact your blood counts and whether you are healthy enough for treatment that week. Once I was diagnosed and started treatment, I almost never saw my primary care doctor. It all went through my oncologist until I finished treatment. I don’t know how old you are, but when you get your oncologist sorted out, I would talk about genetic testing with him/her. Genetic testing of your tumors can guide your treatment decisions.

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