June 11, 2020

Today has been a very busy day. I am too tired and weak to write all about it. I am in the hospital now. I was just crying. I am not much of a crier. It takes a lot to get me going. I guess it has just hit me in a visceral way that I am sick. The nurses are talking about dinner and going home. I want dinner and I want to go home. I’m in a hospital bed. And I’m scared.

My mom drove me here and she was allowed to come up – first day when visitors were allowed. I have a private room with huge picture windows. It looks like a hotel room. How lucky am I – extremely lucky. So lucky. I need to snap out of it and just be thankful.

The doctor stopped in to introduce himself in person and check on me. He will be back tomorrow. My nurse is so sweet – she is making me feel at home. I am being given a liquids only diet so they gave me chicken broth for dinner when I asked for some food. It was so delicious. I was given two bowls and ate every drop.

I’m watching Eat Pray Love on TV. I don’t like the film but the shots of food in Italy are something else. I feel very outside life and all it entails – the food, the joy. I feel apart. I look at the characters in the film – healthy, exuberant – and I marvel. I can remember being like that, living like that. No more.

I didn’t think this hospital stay would be hard but it is. They gave me a COVID test and drew my blood because it has been weeks since my blood was drawn and they needed current info. And when I’m discharged, I’ll still be sick. This really is hard.

I always say to take the long view – that this too shall pass – look forward and move forward. But if the future is circumscribed, what good is that?

Love, Molly2923

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