July 22, 2020

I’m scared. The doctor added a second day of chemo for next week. I assume it’s because he learned of the tumor’s genetics and that it is fast growing. I’m scared of the chemo and how sick I’ll be next week – the doctor already told me that after one day I’ll be very sick due to my current physical condition and that I might need IV fluids/hospital care. I’m scared that the tumor has grown since my scans at the end of May considering its genetics. I’m scared that it’s even more too late for me than it was. I’m scared I’ll be too sick to move on moving day August 1st. I’m just plain scared.

I’m still packing but I get so tired so quickly. I’m resting now.

The doctor gave me pain medication (just a few pills) but I’m too afraid to take it. I’m in pain every single night – real pain – and I can’t take the medication every night. So I think I just have to live with it. Even now I’ve had pain for the past six hours since I woke up. There’s nothing I can do about it unless I live on pain medicine which I don’t want to do.

Maybe this is the new normal and I have to accept it.

I wonder what life will be like in a year – assuming I’m still here. Do you believe in horoscopes? I don’t but I do. My grandmother did. I’m in a new cycle until 2026. Maybe I will live until then.

Am I being morose or morbid? I don’t feel that way – I’m just thinking.

When my symptoms began in January, I went on the Internet and looked them up. I looked up cancer and didn’t have any of those symptoms. Know what I’ve learned? The symptoms listed for cancer are when you have it full blown bad. So whenever you have any symptoms of any kind, get them checked out by a doctor because you just don’t know.

I feel terrible pressure in my pelvis which is where the tumor is located. It’s eating me up – right now – bit by bit. Maybe it knows we’re coming for it.

Love, Molly2923

6 thoughts on “July 22, 2020

  1. Do you know what chemo cocktail you’re on? If you’re on full IV chemo, you’ll go home with a chemo pump and then on Wednesday go back to have it disconnected. Wouldn’t surprise me if you were also getting IV fluids that day also. I’d be shocked if you got any actual chemo drugs that Wednesday appointment.

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    1. Hi Jacqueline, I will be going home with a chemo pump. I thought I was going back on Wednesday just to get disconnected but today a new appointment was scheduled that says it’s a 2 hour infusion. I hope you’re right and I don’t get any more chemo drugs on Wed.

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      1. I should also mention that even long after I stopped chemo, my appointments came with a 2hour infusion time that I never needed to use. It could also be how they book that disconnect time

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