Hi. I’m not sure what to say. I’m not sure how I feel.
I started chemo on Monday. It’s now Thursday. It has been a very rough week.
I was very nervous going to the hospital. When I arrived at the oncology center, the other patients seemed very relaxed. One was reading a book and drinking coffee. One was doing work on his computer. And another was sitting with his coffee. It was all very strange.
I met with my doctor. My scans show that the nodules on my lungs have increased in size but there are still only four. The lesions on my liver have also increased in size but there is only one new one and it is very small. It is difficult to determine what’s happening in my pelvis because the structures are so close together but it looks like the tumor has advanced on my bladder. He thought the scans would be worse as I had not started treatment – so that was good. We talked about the tumor’s genetics which he said were a “ray of hope” because there may be a treatment available though the treatment is designed for breast cancer. This made me think, again, that I am simply going to die. A ray of hope is a long-shot. That’s what it is. But this doctor is paying attention to me – referencing the hits my body has taken – remaining mindful of the person, not just the cancer. I am lucky to have found him.
Another good thing – I put on a little weight. I weighed in at 106.5. My body is really trying.
I received chemo, fluids, and iron and was hooked up to a portable pump at the end of the treatment. My mom picked me up, we got take out, and went back to the hotel. I felt OK. Then, things changed.
On Tuesday, I slept nearly all day – couldn’t move – and threw up twice that night. The anti-nausea medication did not help. Terrible. I reported my symptoms on Tuesday and was told to call back if they did not subside by Wednesday. They did not. I have one nurse who is my point of contact – a great relief – she knows my case and can get in touch with the doctor ASAP. They sent me to the ER. A blood work up showed that my hemoglobin increased from 7.4 to 7.8 in just 48 hours which is great. They gave me fluid with electrolytes, disconnected my pump, and sent me home. Bad night.
We drove home today – many, many hours – I could eat more today but couldn’t do much else. Even walking is too much. I’d give more details but I really don’t want to dwell. It has been a terrible few days.
When we got home, I had to handle multiple issues related to the move – emails, utility issues – I have a stack of docs to read, sign, scan and email back tomorrow – it’s just too much but it must get done and it will.
So what about me – not just the stuff that’s happening – but me? I don’t know. I don’t. I’m very down.