October 13, 2020

It’s late and I’m tired and I’m scared.

I’ve been working hard because I feel well. I feel like me – like I don’t have cancer – like I’m healthy – but I’m not. It kind of makes this situation worse because I’m reminded of how life would be if none of this were happening.

I spoke too quickly – getting a hot flash now – the chemo has wrecked havoc on my temperature regulation. It’s cold out and I have to sleep in summer nightgowns because my temperature suddenly goes up which leads to sweating and then shivering because the room is actually cold.

My mouth is now in very bad shape. I had no problems 48 hours ago and today I could barely chew. I am in pain just sitting here. I’m seeing the dentist in two weeks. I hope my mouth calms down or it will be a very tough two weeks. Don’t know if it’s chemo related mouth sores or a tooth problem …

A few minutes ago, I looked up studies related to colon cancer and chemo drugs on the Internet. Big mistake. Big. Basically, everyone died. It scared me.

Tired but can tell won’t be able to sleep. My cat is dozing peacefully by my side.

This whole thing stinks.

Love, Molly

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