I shouldn’t write now, let alone post, because it’s nighttime. Yet here I am …
My health isn’t the only challenge I’m facing right now. I have another one. Enough said.
For anyone going through a colostomy or about to – whether now or in the future – here’s some more info – it may apply to you: My stoma goes up and down in size. I was told it would stop shrinking about 6-8 weeks out. Well, it’s now been 4 1/2 months and it has just shrunk considerably (still sticks out much, much too far – ugly, ugly, disgusting). This means that my appliance no longer fits correctly. My skin is no longer covered properly around the stoma. This is BAD. You don’t want your “output” on your tender skin. Unfortunately, the new chemo drug Irinotecan- even 2 1/2 weeks out – has turned my “output” into mud so it no longer falls down in the bag. It stays put right around the stoma. I can’t get it out of the bag so the bag just gets heavier and heavier and noisier and noisier until I am forced to toss it. But I only get a certain number of bags a month so I can’t toss it daily as I’d like. Nope. It hangs on me – right on my belly – day after day. Yup. And it stinks.
No one will tell you any of this. No one told me.
P.S. I used to be cute. Now, my hair is thinning and dull; I have circles under my eyes; and I’m a walking poop machine. But I am alive!
Onto another topic: death.
I could die of anything. Anything. However, it is most likely that I will die of cancer – even if I go into remission, even if I outlive the 5 year, 14% survival rate. I don’t plan on having an obituary but I know how it would likely read if I did.
I remember when my grandmother moved out of state when my grandfather retired. She said, “I’m going there to die.” She knew she’d never be back. She was right.
Sometimes I wonder if I will die where I live now. Is this the last place I will ever live?
See – I told you I shouldn’t post at night – thank you for indulging me …
I’m listening to an album entitled Theta which is instrumental/new-agey type music that you’d find in a California spa. It’s very soothing – puts Sweet Pea right to sleep.