December 6, 2020

First of all, I feel good today. I’m back to my normal self. Thank god.

Second, I get one more chemo treatment and then I get another scan to see how the tumor is doing. Then the doctor will decide if I need to continue chemo and what the plan will be.

Third, I worked on my personal project all day yesterday and since about 6 a.m. today (just taking a break now). There are so few days that I’m well that I have to cram everything in. I still do work-work on some of the days that I’m sick but it’s very, very hard and, for the most part, I’ve been lucky that deadlines have hit during my non-chemo weeks. Just plain lucky.

Fourth, I love stand-up comedy. I mean I LOVE it. Last night, I watched a famous comedian whom I had never before seen. I then learned that, due to a disease, he could no longer speak at the end of his life. He could no longer SPEAK! That was his gift. Absolutely tragic. I can think of other examples of the devastating effects of illnesses that I read about in the newspaper. My health issue does not compare.

Fifth, I’m writing about the things I think about and that happen during this journey. It seems to me that a lot people with cancer focus on “fighting it” or “beating it” or living “one day at a time” and being grateful for each day. I write about death and I feel a little bad about that. However, for me, it’s a part of the story that cannot be ignored.

It is highly unlikely that I am going to live another 30 or 40 years to see old age (the median survival rate for my cancer is three years). I think I have accepted that fact (though I’m not sure I’ve accepted it). This morning I recognized another dimension to the issue: the loss of hope and possibility. Without time, things will be as they are and dreams no longer have a place. I suppose I recognized that intuitively which is why I’m trying to finish my personal project. But this morning I thought about it concretely.

With that said, the most important things in life (to me) are having a home, food on the table, safety, and the ability to think and physically take care of oneself independently. If you have that, you will be just fine. Everything else is extra. Everything.

(Except Sweet Pea).

Love, Molly

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