I’m starting my mornings early these days. I’ve been feeling good for the past few days – waking up around 4-4:30 a.m. – not tired at all – and starting my project by 5:00 a.m. Then I work until 6:00 p.m. when I call it quits for the day. I don’t talk about the specifics of the project because I don’t want to be distracted or encumbered by expectations (good or bad). I want to keep all my energy for the work itself.
After I got out of the hospital in June and then got the implant in July, Sweet Pea couldn’t climb on my chest anymore because I was all cut up. Recently, she has tried to get back on but then stopped herself. I figured out how to let her clamber back on without my getting hurt – I put a blanket on me and then I put one hand over the port and one hand over the stoma. I encouraged her to climb up and now she is back to relaxing on my chest every night. She has changed her routine a little bit – now she positions herself so her cheek is right next to my cheek. Before I got sick, she’d lie down with her head on my chest. She needs all the love, support and attention I can give her. She is affected when I’m sick.
Did I tell you that I’m now scheduled for my second scan? It’s happening on 12/29. I can’t wait. I want to know what’s going on inside …
I’m going to get a cup of coffee and a peanut butter cookie now – I made a batch of peanut butter cookies the other day because my jar of peanut butter was expiring in Jan 2021. I used only 1/2 the sugar called for in the recipe because, when you make the cookies yourself, it’s a little unsettling to dump so much sugar into the mixing bowl. I wasn’t worried about the change in texture (less spread, more crumbly is fine with me) – reducing the sugar is not like reducing the fat content which can make a baked item tough instead of tender and pretty much inedible. Anyway, the cookies turned out great – still sweet but not cloying and packed with vitamin rich peanut butter though I do miss that extra sugar kick.
I will check back in later today …
The other night, I was reading posts about cancer – I think it was the American Cancer Society website. The posts were – from what I read – uniformly upbeat. They talked about fighting the cancer, getting great results, linking a positive attitude to positive outcomes (like anyone can control the spread of cancer). Everyone was well-meaning but I could not relate. The focus seemed to me to be on the triumph of the individual over the disease. Like we’re all in our own private blockbuster movies where one good guy outwits and outfights all the bad guys and saves the day. I am sure many find such posts uplifting but I felt demoralized by those relentlessly upbeat missives as though one’s health issues can be overcome by sheer will. I wondered if I should adopt the posters’ ethos and, if I don’t, am I dooming myself? I stopped reading them.
I’m following the doctor’s orders; I have dealt with the chemo without complaint (I was taken off medications because of serious, adverse physical effects not because of complaints); I worked hard to gain back all the weight I lost plus an extra five pounds as a safety buffer (a total of twenty-five pounds gained in a couple of months which is ALOT); I am eating healthfully and sleeping; I work on work-work and my project all day unless I am too sick (which is not easy); and I try not to think about death (with varying degrees of success). Most importantly, I am focused on trying to achieve achievable goals in the near future and doing things that have meaning for me. That is my response to cancer.
OK. I need to go back to my project …
This afternoon I had a scheduled video conference with a registered nurse who works with my doctor. Basically, surgery is out because it won’t help and may hurt (“debilitating” was the word used) and when the cancer becomes chemo resistant, which appears to be inevitable, I’ll die. That pretty much wrecked my day. I’ve been told that before so I don’t know why it upset me but it did.
It’s nighttime now. I just opened Netflix – I like Ricky Gervais so I started to watch After Life and the first scene is of a woman with cancer who died and made a video of herself telling her left-behind partner how lovely he is and how to do daily chores/tasks! I immediately turned it off but thought – maybe I should make a video. Very upsetting.
Can you believe this?! What a lousy day.
OK. I need to perk up. To heck with all this! I’m sick of this. I need to watch some stand up comedy.
I want to go to sleep and wake up early, enjoy my toast and tea (that’s big for me), and get back to my project.