I just received an email from someone who does not know I have stage 4 inoperable cancer. When people don’t know, they’re just themselves. A friend once advised: If someone tells you who they are, listen. If they show you, pay attention.
It is the rare occasion that I react to pettiness or unpleasantness. I typically make a mental note and say nothing. And on this occasion, I did not react.
But here’s the thing: cancer gives you a certain clarity. It allows you to let go. It becomes increasingly apparent that nothing (apart from the necessities of life) is important except for love and joy. I am serious. Being with Sweet Pea, filling my home with the scent of cinnamon and fresh bread, working on my project – love and joy. Love and joy.
With that said, the bad behavior still bothers me – and I wish it didn’t – but at least I have enough perspective to know it shouldn’t. It’s simply unimportant. It’s on the outside and I’m inside.
I’m writing about this because it’s not just my body that has changed with illness or my sense of self. It is also my mentality and outlook.
I have no idea who might be interested in these thoughts or might share them but, if there is anyone, it means that I’m not alone in this experience and neither are you.
P.S. I did bake bread and have a cup of tea (and made cranberry jam) before sunrise. It was fun.