January 27, 2021

Hi everyone. I’m sorry I’ve been incommunicado. I’ve been inundated with paperwork – both creating it and getting rid of it – and doing work. Feels like it will never end but soon it will – it must!

I went through old photographs from college, my twenties and beyond, the stages of my life in 4×5. I love the childhood photos but the rest? Honestly, I wanted to get rid of most of them but didn’t have the guts – was afraid of regret – so I will revisit them. At least I’ve selected those I definitely want to keep. Photos of handsome but horrible old boyfriends? There’s a tough category (because they really were handsome). They’re in the preliminary toss pile. Ex-husband? Easy … goes without saying …

This whole period has given the saying “you can’t take it with you” new meaning. You really can’t – none of it – all of it – if I don’t toss it, someone will – including the things I cherish. Better that I decide now who gets what. I want to deal with this and be done with it – free of burdensome practicalities.

It’s a grey day today, tree boughs covered with snow. Right now, I’m listening to Antonio Carlos Jobim. Sweet Pea is by my side kneading a blanket. A nice moment …

So what can I tell you?

Surgery: I spoke with my doctor later the same day I last wrote – when I was getting my transfusion. He said that he consulted the tumor board and, if they could surgically remove the lesions in my lungs and liver (which they cannot), he would strongly recommend the surgery to remove the primary tumor. He is now going to consult with the surgeon.

Here’s what I understand: If I have the surgery (and suffer that physical trauma), the cancer in my lungs/liver may grow and/or the cancer may spread or occur in new areas because they can’t get it all out. However, if I don’t have the surgery, the primary tumor inevitably will grow back and cause quality of life issues.

They can do tests to see what involvement, if any, the tumor has with my bladder and they won’t remove it if I say no. I already have one bag hanging from my stomach for the colostomy. I don’t want two. Plus, I don’t want to risk complications in that department. The colostomy was enough – by the way, my stoma has been looking tired lately, kind of slumping down instead of sticking straight out – springs back when I put a cold, wet paper towel on it – is that normal? Who knows … They will definitely have to remove part of my ureter and then reattach it to the bladder because it has been compromised by the tumor – the tumor has engulfed it – they can’t be separated.

That’s the surgery news for now.

Chemo: I’m on the chemo pill now. I am on Day 2 of Week 2. I started to feel lousy yesterday which has continued today but not gotten worse. Weak, tired, a little sick. Sleeping much more and much later than usual. But here’s the big thing: PAIN. I feel like I’m 110 years old. Every time I move, in any direction, PAIN. It started in the Fall and has gotten worse. It’s now affecting both of my arms – have trouble getting dressed – can’t turn my neck, twist my torso – everything is just a wreck. I bought two new much firmer pillows in an effort to alleviate the neck pain. Received one – might be helping a little.

This music is so beautiful.

I’m going to go now. Have to get back to the grind.

I bought some new yeast from Bob’s Red Mill to make cinnamon rolls and will report back when I do. I’m looking for a lighter, fluffier roll. To tide me over, I’ve been putting a mixture of cinnamon and brown sugar on my toast in the mornings – so good.

Oh yeah – I have stent surgery next week. Got my pre-surgery COVID test this week – came back negative. Thank goodness.

As my grandma used to say, “So long!” (never “Goodbye!”).

Love, Molly

3 thoughts on “January 27, 2021

  1. Talk to palliative care about the pain if you haven’t already. They’re in the best position to help you manage it. They are not the same as hospice and can be just amazing.

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    1. Thanks, Jacqueline. I probably should but I don’t want to introduce more drugs in my system. I’m going to tough it out for now and hopefully it will get better. Strangely, Tylenol did not help – that was worrisome – makes me wonder what’s causing it.

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      1. All the more reason to talk to palliative care. They may have other solutions to help with your pain that aren’t more pills. Definitely talk to your doc about the increased pain – it’s a way they can tell something else is going on. But overall, it doesn’t hurt to consult with palliative care. If you don’t want more drugs (and don’t discount them in helping you become more functional), then tell them you’re looking for non drug options. You never know what other ideas they may have.

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