March 11, 2021

I’ve been binge watching The Affair (2014) at night for the past few days. You can now get it free on Amazon. It’s great. I just finished the last few episodes of Season 4 in which someone (I won’t spoil it in case you want to watch it) is diagnosed with Stage 4 cancer and dies. This character refuses treatment – it is too late for surgery to make a difference and chemo would have a negative impact on quality of life. This character says some things that I say like “I want more days.” It was very strange to watch it played out on TV. Very, very strange. The last scene was of the funeral – open casket – and the camera showed the body. That was very upsetting.

I’m feeling well right now (except for the chemo side effect of sore muscles – started up a few days ago – not good but not as bad as before – and, of course, the horrible chemo hot flashes). It’s not hard to be positive when you’re feeling life yourself. At those times, the cancer does not seem real. But I’m having my last round of chemo on Tuesday so I know I’ll be sick in just a few days. That’s when it gets hard. I have to tell myself that I’ll be feeling well again – that it’s not forever, that it will pass. Except one day it won’t. But I must not think like that.

Maybe I’ll be the one to surprise.

It’s night now and, as I’ve said before, I shouldn’t write at night.

So here is what I’m grateful for because I am grateful: I am grateful that I have the time to do a couple of things that will have meaning to me and, hopefully, to others. I have time to continue to try, in my small way, to make a difference. I am incredibly industrious and, if I didn’t have the time to do a few more things that are – oddly – some of the most important endeavors of my life, I don’t know what I would do.

So I am very, very grateful.

Hope I’m not being too depressing.

Sweet Pea is snoring by my side. Peaceful.

I’ll see you later!

Sweet Pea just got up! She’s coming over now … Goodnight!

Love, Molly

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